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Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward Donna Frazier
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Review
"Breathe a sigh of relief! Susan Forward helps you identify and correct an intensely destructive and confusing pattern of relating with those you love. I highly recommend this important book!"--Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
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From the Back Cover
"If you really loved me..." "After all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish..." Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance. Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back. In her clear, no-nonsense style, Forward provides powerful, practical strategies for blackmail targets, including checklists, practice scenarios and concrete communications techniques that will strengthen relationships and break the blackmail cycle for good.
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Product details
Paperback: 252 pages
Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; Reprint edition (March 4, 1998)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780060928971
ISBN-13: 978-0060928971
ASIN: 0060928972
Product Dimensions:
5.2 x 0.7 x 8.1 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
363 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#12,464 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Great book, I bought this because I have a family member that has been a toxic person since I was a child. Happens to be my mother's sister and the amount of manipulation and making your feel guilty and a host of other things she does is ridiculous. She also tries to brainwash my mother against me, some pretty twisted crap to say the least. The book gives all these example stories and I got frustrated thinking "but this doesn't apply to me " keep reading, swear to God you have to. Towards the end it uses all the stories to explain the "why" of these behaviors. It all comes together and makes sense and if you hadn't stuck with it and read all the examples you would be lost. Very helpful book, you may never find out what truly drives their behavior but you will find out how they manipulate and hurt you and what you need to do to stop it. I've since leant this book to my mother in hopes she will start standing up for herself. Because she takes way too much crap from her sister than she ever should. I do not anticipate you will get nothing from this book, you will gain knowledge, but you have to put it to use. Stop taking people's bs. End the headaches, stress and anxiety these types of people cause. Be good to yourself. Best of luck to you all, if you are considering this book OR know someone in a horrible situation.
Great book! I can now see what I thought. Let me explain. My own family didn't do this to us kids growing up. We were happy secure children. But my husbands family..., they were raised with criticism, guilt and so on. So I married into this family not knowing until after the marriage that they were all like this. I didn't know how to handle this, and even after reading this book I struggle with it. They tell me I'm "thin skinned". Nope! I'm not the one with the problem, it's they who have it.I encourage anyone who is struggling like myself to buy this book. It helps you understand so much! Good read!!
I have a masters in forensic psychology and this is one of my all time favorite books on spotting manipulation tactics. It is a powerful book in its content. I have a 2000 book library, and this is absolutely one of my favorite books on any subject, but especially within the field of psychology. I copied and pasted a bit of my notes for you below to give you a better sense for this book:At the heart of emotional blackmail is an unspoken threat which seeks to coerce compliance with an unjustified demand.In responding to it, we must first come to the realization that there is a difference between making someone suffer and letting someone suffer by their own hand, their own deeds, and their own character. Allowing someone to continue in their own suffering can in fact allow them the necessary opportunity in which to learn the necessary lessons. Rescuing people from themselves not only harms us, it harms them in that it keeps them from learning their lessons.Let people suffer. Do not intervene between a person’s actions and his own consequences.Disapproval is ultimately the key to emotional blackmail. In a way, fear, guilt, and obligation pray on our sense of approval. Disapproval is another person’s means of manipulating us by making the relationship contingent upon our appeasement of their unjustified demands and submission to injustice and purposeful manipulation.Emotional blackmail preys on fear, obligation,and guilt. Its manipulation tactics are either based on instilling fear, or obligation based on guilt. Whether that fear or obligation is real or justifiable is of no importance- only submission is required. Emotional blackmailers use our conscience against us in terms of guilt, and our sense of responsibility against us in terms fo obligation, and our desire for harmony in terms of fear- whether that fear be based on disapproval or their unjustified anger.
The main message in this book is about going from point A; - being a victim unconscious of how your own behavior can contribute to sending the wrong messages to "Blackmailers", to point B;- being more conscious and centered in how you choose to respond thereby stepping out of the victim role. Its about how to achieve empowerment in the face of seemingly impossible situations. I just wish there were some guidance about how to be kind to you if you realize that you may be doing some blackmailing yourself. It's interesting also that specific mental illness labels are not attributed to the blackmailers. I haven't decided if this helps or hinders the message. The sun has not yet risen in the dark forest I find myself lost in. Yet, this book has become my predawn light. I can begin to see there are more paths than the one I've been on. ;-} Overall, this book is practical, practicable, and effective.
Very useful and informative book - amazing actually. I have recommended this book to over two dozen people. I would bet, dollars to donuts, that everyone has a person or persons in their lives who use emotional tactics to get what they want - even if it is unfair, steps on boundaries, is cruel, insensitive (and then loving and apologetic afterwards). Often people think that they have done something wrong, or for the sake of the relationship and "peace" that they must comply with such demands and outrageous behavior. JUST SAY NO! Allowing others to manipulate with emotional blackmail only makes them want to do it more (and it gets harder to break the cycle). Read this book and understand how it works with emotionally manipulative people. If you get what this book is telling you, your life WILL change!!! IF, on the other hand, you are operating with emotional blackmail (maybe it;s all you know, maybe it's the way you were raised) then you will either not be interested in this book (cuz changing would be too risky), or you might be ready to expand your emotional intelligence and learn more about yourself and how you process life and get your needs met (at the expense of others). This book is amazing!
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